the saddest thing!!!

"Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

The useless....

Eve wakes up in the Garden of Eden and looks herself over: Two legs, two arms, two hands, two feet, three breasts . . .
``Hey God,'' says Eve.

``Yes?''

``I don't get it _ what's with this third breast in the middle of my chest?It's useless.''

God thinks for a moment, then tells Eve to go back to sleep.

A little while later she wakes up, looks down, and sees that the third breast is gone. But when she looks up, she notices a man standing in front of her.

``Hey God,'' says Eve, ``What's that?''

``That's Adam. I made him for you.''

``How did you do that?'' she asks.

God pauses then responds: ``You know that useless tit . . . ''

is windows a virus ?!!!

Is Windows a virus?:

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Job title

Heard this morning on local radio station KQRS:


A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."


He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"


The woman replies, "I'm a whore."


The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."


The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."


"No, that is still too crude. Try again."


They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."


The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"


"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

little birdy

One day there was a man in the park playing with his wang. A little girl walked by and asked him what he was doing. He said that he was playing with his birdy. She said O.K. 3 hours later the man woke up in horrible pain and asked what happened. And the little girl was next to him and said "Well i was playing with you birdy and it spat back at me. So I broke its neck, crushed it's eggs and and set its nest on fire.

forgetful oldies

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Choking

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

The Affair

A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing led to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a woman. They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they'd had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3 a.m. and said, "Oh no,,,,,its so late, my wife's going to kill me!! Have you got any talcum powder?"


She thought to herself, talcum powder. What does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.


When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad. "Where the hell have you been?"


"Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can't lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine. While I was there, I met this most amazing woman. She was so beautiful and, well, we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place and, honey, I'm sorry... I've been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another woman."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and said, "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!"

tennis ball....

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," he replied. "Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

magic lamp

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years and years they lived there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here."

Getting old!

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

Memory...what ??!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

real Good Game!

wild monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.


The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.


Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

blonde driving....

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

A bank account

A man walks up to a bank teller and says, "Hey bitch... I wanna open a fuckin' account!!!:


"Excuse me?"


"I said, I wanna open a fuckin account!!!"


"Sir, that language is intolerable!" she exclaimed, "I'm getting a manager!"


The manager comes along and asks, "Sir, is there a problem?"

"No," he replies, "I just wanna open a fuckin' account!!!"

The manager says, "Sir we do not use that kind of language at this bank."


The man says, "Listen, I just won $35 million in the fuckin' lottery and I wanna open a fuckin account!!!"


The manager points to the teller and responds, "And this bitch is giving you a hard time?!?!?!?!"

post cards to mom

Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon
with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but 'Nescafe'.. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop.' Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after
the wedding, and the card read: 'Benson & Hedges'.
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: '
Extra Long. King Size.' She was again slightly embarrassed,
but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with a rather shaky handwriting were the
words: 'British Airways'. Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
the airline.. The ad said: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mom fainted.

the drunk driver

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

The psychic child

A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future. One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die." Sure enough, a year later the young boy died. The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died. The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels. His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie. At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible! Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

The Motor Surgeon,

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

Walking away!

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

the toilet paper therapy

A woman was complaining to her husband one day, "I wish my boobs were bigger!" He replied, "I know what you can do. Take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts." The woman thought this sounded a little strange, but wanting to be open minded she got some toilet paper and started rubbing it between her breasts. "How long do I need to do this?" she asked. "Do it for a few seconds every day. It will probably take a while to work, probably a few years to see a big difference." "How is this supposed to make my breasts bigger?" his wife asked. "This hardly seems very scientific." With a shrug he replied, "Worked for your ass."

oooooopsie the bush on fire!!!

A boy and girl were out parking one night, and both being young and innocent, really knew nothing much about sex and anatomy. After fooling around awhile, he convinced the young lady to let him "feel" her "down there".
So put his hand up her underwear and couldn't believe what he felt! He asked her if he could just "see" it! So she let him pull off her panties and he bent over and looked down. Being so dark, he couldn't see very well and asked if he could look closer. This didn't work either, so he knelt in the floorboard to get a better look. With the darkness, he found this not to work well either. So he got his matches out, struck one and bent closer to look.

After a second or two, he asked, "Hey, can you pee through all this hair?"

"Sure," she replies. "Why?"

"Well, you better start now, cause this bush is on fire!"

Lil guy at the bar....

A little guy is sat at the bar, when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face an says''thats KUNG FU from japan'', a bit later the thug smacks him again an says'' thats TAEKWON-DO from korea'', the little guy gets up an leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug knockining him out cold and says to the barman'' when that cunt wakes up, tell him that was a fucking SHOVEL from B&Q.

parrot prayer

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

Triplets with bullets!!!

There was a very pregnant woman that was shopping in the grocery store. A man came in with a gun and started robbing the store. The lady hid in the frozen foods section, but the man found her. She pleaded with him, saying that she is going to have 3 kids. The man shows no pity, and instead shoots her 3 times right in the belly. The woman is then rushed to the hospital to extract the bullets. When the doctors x-ray her, they cant find the bullets. The woman was sent home and later had her kids. They were all fine. It was 8 years later and one of the woman's little girls comes up to her. She says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "What, what happened to you?" The little girl replies, "I was going to the bathroom and i peed a bullet." The mother suddenly understands. She replies by telling the girl the story of how she got shot. About 1 week later, the womans second daughter comes up to her and says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "What, what happened to you?" The little girl replies, "I was going to the bathroom and i peed a bullet." She replies by telling the girl the story of how she got shot. About 2 weeks after that, her son comes up to her and says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "I bet I could." The little boys says, "No, there is no way you could guess what happened." The mom says, "Ok, then why dont you tell me what happened." The boy says, "I was playing with myself and I killed a dog!"

perfect man and a perfect woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

Unfaithful wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Smart Pillz

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''