superrrrrrrrman!

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything. Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batcar. Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away. Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

first time

My first time ever:
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever...
At milking a cow.

the saddest thing!!!

"Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

The useless....

Eve wakes up in the Garden of Eden and looks herself over: Two legs, two arms, two hands, two feet, three breasts . . .
``Hey God,'' says Eve.

``Yes?''

``I don't get it _ what's with this third breast in the middle of my chest?It's useless.''

God thinks for a moment, then tells Eve to go back to sleep.

A little while later she wakes up, looks down, and sees that the third breast is gone. But when she looks up, she notices a man standing in front of her.

``Hey God,'' says Eve, ``What's that?''

``That's Adam. I made him for you.''

``How did you do that?'' she asks.

God pauses then responds: ``You know that useless tit . . . ''

is windows a virus ?!!!

Is Windows a virus?:

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Job title

Heard this morning on local radio station KQRS:


A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."


He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"


The woman replies, "I'm a whore."


The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."


The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."


"No, that is still too crude. Try again."


They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."


The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"


"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

little birdy

One day there was a man in the park playing with his wang. A little girl walked by and asked him what he was doing. He said that he was playing with his birdy. She said O.K. 3 hours later the man woke up in horrible pain and asked what happened. And the little girl was next to him and said "Well i was playing with you birdy and it spat back at me. So I broke its neck, crushed it's eggs and and set its nest on fire.

forgetful oldies

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Choking

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

The Affair

A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing led to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a woman. They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they'd had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3 a.m. and said, "Oh no,,,,,its so late, my wife's going to kill me!! Have you got any talcum powder?"


She thought to herself, talcum powder. What does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.


When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad. "Where the hell have you been?"


"Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can't lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine. While I was there, I met this most amazing woman. She was so beautiful and, well, we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place and, honey, I'm sorry... I've been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another woman."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and said, "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!"

tennis ball....

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," he replied. "Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

magic lamp

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years and years they lived there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here."

Getting old!

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

Memory...what ??!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

real Good Game!

wild monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.


The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.


Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

blonde driving....

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

A bank account

A man walks up to a bank teller and says, "Hey bitch... I wanna open a fuckin' account!!!:


"Excuse me?"


"I said, I wanna open a fuckin account!!!"


"Sir, that language is intolerable!" she exclaimed, "I'm getting a manager!"


The manager comes along and asks, "Sir, is there a problem?"

"No," he replies, "I just wanna open a fuckin' account!!!"

The manager says, "Sir we do not use that kind of language at this bank."


The man says, "Listen, I just won $35 million in the fuckin' lottery and I wanna open a fuckin account!!!"


The manager points to the teller and responds, "And this bitch is giving you a hard time?!?!?!?!"

post cards to mom

Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon
with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but 'Nescafe'.. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop.' Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after
the wedding, and the card read: 'Benson & Hedges'.
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: '
Extra Long. King Size.' She was again slightly embarrassed,
but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with a rather shaky handwriting were the
words: 'British Airways'. Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
the airline.. The ad said: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mom fainted.

the drunk driver

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

The psychic child

A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future. One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die." Sure enough, a year later the young boy died. The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died. The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels. His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie. At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible! Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

The Motor Surgeon,

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

Walking away!

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

the toilet paper therapy

A woman was complaining to her husband one day, "I wish my boobs were bigger!" He replied, "I know what you can do. Take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts." The woman thought this sounded a little strange, but wanting to be open minded she got some toilet paper and started rubbing it between her breasts. "How long do I need to do this?" she asked. "Do it for a few seconds every day. It will probably take a while to work, probably a few years to see a big difference." "How is this supposed to make my breasts bigger?" his wife asked. "This hardly seems very scientific." With a shrug he replied, "Worked for your ass."

oooooopsie the bush on fire!!!

A boy and girl were out parking one night, and both being young and innocent, really knew nothing much about sex and anatomy. After fooling around awhile, he convinced the young lady to let him "feel" her "down there".
So put his hand up her underwear and couldn't believe what he felt! He asked her if he could just "see" it! So she let him pull off her panties and he bent over and looked down. Being so dark, he couldn't see very well and asked if he could look closer. This didn't work either, so he knelt in the floorboard to get a better look. With the darkness, he found this not to work well either. So he got his matches out, struck one and bent closer to look.

After a second or two, he asked, "Hey, can you pee through all this hair?"

"Sure," she replies. "Why?"

"Well, you better start now, cause this bush is on fire!"

Lil guy at the bar....

A little guy is sat at the bar, when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face an says''thats KUNG FU from japan'', a bit later the thug smacks him again an says'' thats TAEKWON-DO from korea'', the little guy gets up an leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug knockining him out cold and says to the barman'' when that cunt wakes up, tell him that was a fucking SHOVEL from B&Q.

parrot prayer

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

Triplets with bullets!!!

There was a very pregnant woman that was shopping in the grocery store. A man came in with a gun and started robbing the store. The lady hid in the frozen foods section, but the man found her. She pleaded with him, saying that she is going to have 3 kids. The man shows no pity, and instead shoots her 3 times right in the belly. The woman is then rushed to the hospital to extract the bullets. When the doctors x-ray her, they cant find the bullets. The woman was sent home and later had her kids. They were all fine. It was 8 years later and one of the woman's little girls comes up to her. She says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "What, what happened to you?" The little girl replies, "I was going to the bathroom and i peed a bullet." The mother suddenly understands. She replies by telling the girl the story of how she got shot. About 1 week later, the womans second daughter comes up to her and says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "What, what happened to you?" The little girl replies, "I was going to the bathroom and i peed a bullet." She replies by telling the girl the story of how she got shot. About 2 weeks after that, her son comes up to her and says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "I bet I could." The little boys says, "No, there is no way you could guess what happened." The mom says, "Ok, then why dont you tell me what happened." The boy says, "I was playing with myself and I killed a dog!"

perfect man and a perfect woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

Unfaithful wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Smart Pillz

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

silent and odorless....:P

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Living Statues....

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Sppppppppppecial Baby

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... ...AND a brain?"

Who's Ass is it anyways ??!!!

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and
it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day,
the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day
the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and to let it loose in the country where it could run
wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS
WILD AND FREE.

The Bisjop had a heart attack and died.

The moral of the story is: Being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be
yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


DISCLAIMER: NO OFFENCES MEANT TOWARDS ANY RELIGEOUS SECT.

purely un intentional!!!

Harley Davidson and Women

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

for a happy life....

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.

engineering Hell!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

too fast too funny....

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

chef clown

How do you know if the head chef is a clown?

When the food tastes funny.

cannibal!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you doing?" The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"

work!

peaches or peas ?!

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen. "Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches." The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?" She said, "Six." The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail." Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

seeing eye dog

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

what's the other one?

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading her waitress' name tag? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?

need a push....

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

what's your name ?

A little boy went to school one day and the teacher asked,"What is your name little boy?" The little boy answered,"I don't know!" So the teacher tole him to go home and ask his mom. So little boy asked his mom," Momma, whats my name?" But the mother was having an angry conversaton on the phone with her x-husband, so she replied without thinking,"@#$%!!!" The little boy said,"Okay!" The he went to his sister and asked,"Sister, whats my middle name?" But the sister was winning a game so she replied without thinking,"Yes, yes, yes." The little boy said,"Okay!" Finnaly the little boy asked his brother,"Brother, what is my last name?" But the brother was watching his fave. show so without thinking he replied,"Batman!" The little boy said," Okay!" Then at school the next daythe teacher asked again," Little boy what is you name?" The boy answered," @#$%!!!" The teacher outraged at the little boy angrily asked," Do you want to go the principal's office?" The little still saying what he thought was his name answered," Yes yes yes." Mad the teacher asked," Just who do you think you are???" The little boy answered prouldly," Batman!!!!"

communication disaster!!!

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director
"Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday, so let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen."

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head
"By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday."

From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads
"By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday."

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman "If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing Director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o' clock."
From : Foreman
To : All Operators
"Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday."

The silence in the church...

A little boy was asked why it’s important to be quiet in church. He thought a moment, then .replied,
.
.
.
"Because people are trying to sleep."

Oh really!!!

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

in the circle...

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

bear hunt!!

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb up a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

Lunch box tragedy!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Fall down drunk!!!

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A game of intelligence

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly :-( accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Gone fishing.....

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh, no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

yet another Gennie...baffled!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Who's God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Things you should NOT say to a traffic COP :P

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? :-?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney? :-?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. :-P 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? :-o
8. I pay your salary! :-x
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! :-D
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed,have you been eating doughnuts?"

Praise the lord

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

God or Steve Jobs??

So, Bill Gates dies, and ascends to heaven.
He meets up with Saint Peter at the gates and says "Hey, it's Bill, I'm just going to go on in." And Saint Peter says, "Sorry Bill, everyone is equal in God's eyes. You need to stand in line like everyone else." Grudgingly, Gates walks to the end of the enormous line of folks awaiting entrance. As he's waiting, an iPod-white limo passes him and rolls up to heaven's gate's. The door opens and out steps Steve Jobs. Saint Peter greets him and, after a few brief words, welcomes him into heaven. Gates is furious. He storms up to the front of the line and confronts Saint Peter: "Hey! I thought you said everyone was equal here! But, I just saw Steve Jobs cut to the front of the line and you let him in without a second thought. And Saint Peter laughs and replies, "Oh no, that wasn't Steve Jobs. That was God; he only thinks he's Steve Jobs."

Frog research

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

funny...with a serious punch!

Now that's really funny (remeber "wherever you go our network follows")

A creative thought/advertisement telling you do not drive while being on your cellphone!

Poor pug.. :)

[courtesy: shared with me by one of my colleagues]

bet this!

guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"

the end is near!

A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign that read "Turn Around. The End Is Near." The motorist didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!" A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash. The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "I told you we should've just written, 'Bridge Out.' "

vodka stint!

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Three wishes

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."

Three legged race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."