what's your name ?

A little boy went to school one day and the teacher asked,"What is your name little boy?" The little boy answered,"I don't know!" So the teacher tole him to go home and ask his mom. So little boy asked his mom," Momma, whats my name?" But the mother was having an angry conversaton on the phone with her x-husband, so she replied without thinking,"@#$%!!!" The little boy said,"Okay!" The he went to his sister and asked,"Sister, whats my middle name?" But the sister was winning a game so she replied without thinking,"Yes, yes, yes." The little boy said,"Okay!" Finnaly the little boy asked his brother,"Brother, what is my last name?" But the brother was watching his fave. show so without thinking he replied,"Batman!" The little boy said," Okay!" Then at school the next daythe teacher asked again," Little boy what is you name?" The boy answered," @#$%!!!" The teacher outraged at the little boy angrily asked," Do you want to go the principal's office?" The little still saying what he thought was his name answered," Yes yes yes." Mad the teacher asked," Just who do you think you are???" The little boy answered prouldly," Batman!!!!"

communication disaster!!!

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director
"Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday, so let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen."

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head
"By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday."

From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads
"By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday."

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman "If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing Director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o' clock."
From : Foreman
To : All Operators
"Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen everyday."

The silence in the church...

A little boy was asked why it’s important to be quiet in church. He thought a moment, then .replied,
.
.
.
"Because people are trying to sleep."

Oh really!!!

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

in the circle...

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

bear hunt!!

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb up a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

Lunch box tragedy!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Fall down drunk!!!

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A game of intelligence

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly :-( accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Gone fishing.....

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh, no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

yet another Gennie...baffled!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Who's God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Things you should NOT say to a traffic COP :P

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? :-?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney? :-?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. :-P 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? :-o
8. I pay your salary! :-x
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! :-D
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed,have you been eating doughnuts?"

Praise the lord

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

God or Steve Jobs??

So, Bill Gates dies, and ascends to heaven.
He meets up with Saint Peter at the gates and says "Hey, it's Bill, I'm just going to go on in." And Saint Peter says, "Sorry Bill, everyone is equal in God's eyes. You need to stand in line like everyone else." Grudgingly, Gates walks to the end of the enormous line of folks awaiting entrance. As he's waiting, an iPod-white limo passes him and rolls up to heaven's gate's. The door opens and out steps Steve Jobs. Saint Peter greets him and, after a few brief words, welcomes him into heaven. Gates is furious. He storms up to the front of the line and confronts Saint Peter: "Hey! I thought you said everyone was equal here! But, I just saw Steve Jobs cut to the front of the line and you let him in without a second thought. And Saint Peter laughs and replies, "Oh no, that wasn't Steve Jobs. That was God; he only thinks he's Steve Jobs."

Frog research

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

funny...with a serious punch!

Now that's really funny (remeber "wherever you go our network follows")

A creative thought/advertisement telling you do not drive while being on your cellphone!

Poor pug.. :)

[courtesy: shared with me by one of my colleagues]

bet this!

guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"

the end is near!

A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign that read "Turn Around. The End Is Near." The motorist didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!" A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash. The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "I told you we should've just written, 'Bridge Out.' "

vodka stint!

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Three wishes

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."

Three legged race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."